Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Jerk

Imagine my bliss, my joy, my complete delight to receive this last Comment posted on my last Blog. It came immediately after a brief exchange with Scooter from Boston about the State of the Union Address, no pardon me, we were talking about whether or not my back was going to allow me to run in Boston...

Anonymous said...
Is this why you're such a jerk?

Well, well, well. Let's not sugar-coat how we feel. Let us examine my jerkiness, which seems from the above sentence to be more of a statement of my character than being descriptive of any actual physical actions on my part, as in say, "Vince runs with a jerky motion. Or Vince jerked my chain (although clearly I did)"

Let us follow a reasonably scientific line of inquiry and reason as we attempt to discern the deeper meaning behind Anonymous' statement.

And before we begin, let us hope that no one, not even me, is taking me too seriously. Please, Folks, life - this veil of tears - is way too freaking short not to have a sense of humour while we wait out our alloted time on this spinning ball of mud...


v. jerked, jerkĀ·ing, jerks
1. To give a sudden quick thrust, push, pull, or twist to. Nope.
2. To throw or toss with a quick abrupt motion. Doubt it.
3. To utter abruptly or sharply: jerked out the answer. Don't think so.
4. To make and serve (ice-cream sodas, for example) at a soda fountain. Can't be. But it sounds like fun.
5. Sports To press (a weight) overhead from shoulder height in a quick motion.
v.intr. Definitely not these days!
1. To move in sudden abrupt motions; jolt: The train jerked forward. Still seems like a stretch.
2. To make spasmodic motions: My legs jerked from fatigue. No, but they sure do lately.
1. A sudden abrupt motion, such as a yank or twist. Ouch, that's how this all started!
2. A jolting or lurching motion. Sounds like my best moves in a singles bar...
3. Physiology A sudden reflexive or spasmodic muscular movement. Getting warmer...
4. jerks Involuntary convulsive twitching often resulting from excitement. Often used with the. Not quite.
5. Slang A foolish, rude, or contemptible person. AHA! I think we have found it, Watson!
6. Sports A lift in which the weight is heaved overhead from shoulder height with a quick motion. Not this week, kids, no I think we found our correct meaning of jerk in relation to Vince.
Phrasal Verbs: I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist... Probably because I'm a jerk....
jerk off Vulgar Slang
To masturbate.
jerk around
To take unfair advantage of, deceive, or manipulate.

Yes, I plead guilty to - and on far too many occasions I might hasten to add - being a "foolish, rude, and contemptible person".

And I offer no excuses for such behavior. There are none. Such behavior is simply unacceptable. Hemingway said it best, "Guts" or courage, is best exemplified by "grace under pressure". I wish from the utter depths of my shallow bitter soul that I was a better, stronger, more moral-fibred man than the weak-kneed little milque-toast that I so obviously am.

So if I have been short-tempered, cranky, miserable, curmudgeonly (sp?), and rude lately, I proffer a blanket apology to the rest of humankind. My back hurts like Hell. I'll try to refrain from speaking about it if you do too. This will be our little secret.

Anonymous, however, can kiss my rosy-red, pain-shooting-through-it- like-a-white-hot poker, hairy ass, and that is if I can find the strength to get to my feet and stagger up off the floor and straighten up long enough for him or her to reach it properly with puckered lips.

No tongue, please.

And that is all The Jerk has to say on the matter.


Blogger Nightporter said...

Vince you obviously have such a passion for writing....
I love this response to and obviously small minded... well lets just call anonomous from now on omeba... your wit ans satire is nothing short of brilliant....
Sorry to hear about you back....

P.S. get a life...... lol

2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Scooter said...

And nightporter, YOU should get a spell checker! (or have one less porter before posting). Sorry I am acting like a jerk.

And Vince, glad to hear you'll be there, even if perhaps only as a beer wine receptacle.

6:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe we are still having this conversation.

Vince is Vince.

If you have never met him in person, you have no idea what that really means.

Imagine a force of nature. Irresistable, immovable and probably unchangeable.

Almost everyone who has a problem with Vince is someone who wishs they could measure up to him.

Sure he is a pain in the ass. Probably the ultimate pain in the ass. Sure he will tell you what to do and how to run your life and how you should train.

But the thing that kills you is that Vince is almost always right. This is the single most annoying thing about him. And his voice. Vince is loud. Really loud.

He knows what he is talking about. He has already done it. Maybe in combat boots and a skirt. He makes Chuck Norris look like a sissy. I think Chuck Norris would be afraid to look Vince in the eye. Chuck Norris would probably blink first.

Unlike Chuck, Vince is also probably the smartest guy in the room. He will tell you that himself. And then he will back it up with knowledge of a paper published on a subject twenty years ago. Vince is not a good guy to argue with about facts. Vince makes facts do push-ups until they throw up.

But you will have to run with Vince for years before you get a true picture of what he has actually accomplished in his life.

We know Vince has been married, but we're still trying trying to figure out how many wives. Vince just says it was all his fault and leaves it at that.

If you need something done, something outrageous, and at the last minute, you can count on Vince. He is a little too much like the Terminator in that respect.

His love life is a mystery. And he actually seems a little old-fashioned when it comes to the ladies.

You bet against him at your peril. Tell him he can't do something and he then goes out and does it. Sometimes twice, just to prove his point.

He helps all kinds of runners, who run at all levels of ability. He doesn't discriminate.

If Vince says you can do something, he will run beside you for hours until you do it.

He will train people just to prove a point. He will also go out of his way to beat people in a race to prove a point.

Vince likes to prove his point.

Vince has no time for people who makes excuses about their training or their race times.

Vince likes to make his point period.

Vince likes to be right.

There is no doubt that Vince can be a jerk.

But Vince is our jerk.

If everybody had a Vince in their life, they could consider themselves lucky.

11:38:00 PM  
Blogger Scooter said...

Let's hope Vince doesn't die soon. You just wrote one hell of a eulogy.

5:18:00 AM  
Anonymous A said...

I read the comments...

What are they wanting from you for christ's sake!!!

You are a LION!!!

If you don't want and know how to get along with a lion don't be around him...

8:52:00 AM  
Blogger Vince Hemingson said...

You know, it should probably be illegal for me to get as much enjoyment out of this damn Blog as I do.

Hopefully, Scooter I have a few long runs and one or two marathons left in me before I kick the bucket, buy the farm, or more probably, go straight to Hell.

If I do die soon, I have a nice little sum tucked away for what I hope will be a hell of a wake.

And I hope that most of the crowd shows up in runners...

or kilts...

As for being a Lion, well, I am a Leo, but I'm more of a pussycat than anything else...

2:21:00 PM  
Blogger Anthony Epp said...

I love it!
I'll have to say that Vince means what he says and cares about his friends.
No, not a eulogy... Somehow I think we've not even seen the beginning. I am waiting for a Boston story like no other.

12:21:00 PM  

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