Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Just a Big Pussy Cat

Yesterday, as you may have ascertained, was my birthday and I am hungover.

Very hungover.

I did not go out, but I did stay home and drink some VERY good red wine that I bought myself because I was under the distinct impression while in the liquor store that I was
very deserving of it.

Therefore, rather than actually going to the trouble of writing my OWN Blog, I am going to rip off several friends who forwarded me my Astrological goods for the eighth day of the eighth month this year and apparently what the next twelve months portends for me as well!

Usually I would be in terror at such a prospect but - these little Horoscopes are harmless.

I have had a couple of Horror-scopes done on my birthday, including a memorable one in front of a large collection of my closest friends, including my girlfriend at the time, who I thought I would subsequently marry and who would one day soon be the Mother of my yet to be born children.

Said Astrologer, who goes to great lengths to do these things, had numerous charts and actual graphs assembled with him to back up his assertions - much of it high-lighted and underlined with different coloured markers...

And this Astrologer was adamant about knowing the exact time of my birth - to the second if possible - where and when I popped out, and what International Time Zone I was in when I emerged triumphant from my Mother's womb.

I only wish I were kidding about this, but every word of what follows is the Gods Honest Truth.

As they say in the flicks, I have witnesses.

In front of the assembly - and the woman I thought would be the future Mrs. Hemingson - the Astrologer (who has actually claimed to love me like a brother) commenced his reading. But not before a loooonnnnggg theatrical pause, a deeply furrowed brow, sad eyes and an earnest proclaimation that he almost didn't know where to start to begin to describe my Astrological Chart because it was the most frightening instrument he had ever laid eyes on in over three decades of doing charts.

In short order I was described as having the most frightening Astrological chart since one Adolf Hitler. That's right, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am hosting this birthday party, the actual Guest of Honour, indeed I am paying for the food and drink being consumed by this man who claims to love me like a brother, and he has just compared me to the Head of the Third Reich.

But it get's better. Or worse I guess depending on your perspective. I will confess - indeed admit - that the Astrologer in question had his audience in the palm of his hand. They listened with rapt attention as my every character fault was dissected at great length, and which Star, Moon, Planet, Sun and conjunction was responsible for it. I was, in short, an utterly horrific, dictatorial, meglomanical bastard with lovers too numerous to account for if one used all the grains of sand on a very sizeable beach. If I had to use a short term, I guess it would be - Vince Hemingson - Fascist Whore. Okay, maybe not that bad. Vince Hemingson, Tyrant Slut.

The birthday party howled with laughter. As would I have, I am sure, had I not been the focus of the attention, bearing the full brunt of the worst Astrological Chart since Adolf Hitler. The ONLY person NOT laughing was the vivacious blonde with the luminescent green eyes seated beside me who I was so completely smitten with that I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with her. She, she was not laughing. She was not, in fact, even the slightest bit amused. I protested to no avail at the traits and character flaws that the Astrologer, apparently just warming to his task, continued to pile at my feet.

Long story short. I turned 46 yesterday a bachelor.

Here now, are the short versions I can at least live with, or at the very least, survive!

If you are born 8 August.

It is a year of reunions, homecoming, embracing old love in new ways and finding new love that feels familiar. Wrap up a work project in the next two weeks so you can start to enjoy the mighty pay-offs. Your social life picks up in September. Social events are for making financial connections in November. Gemini and Pisces people are huge fans.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

If Your Birthday Is Today. Actor Dustin Hoffman (1937) shares your birthday.

You're extremely creative and multi-talented. Your challenge is figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Whatever you do, you embrace completely and totally. You are hardworking, responsible and reliable. However, you need considerable stimulation and diversity in your life. The year ahead will be unusually social, pleasant, and conducive to happy relationships.

If You Were Born August 8, 1960

If you had to you could probably strangle a 300-pound leopard with your bare hands. You are that unstoppable. For that matter, you could also probably stare down your mortal enemy, pulverize any object in your path or demolish anything that stands between you and what you want in life. You can probably win any game that you play. You are a dynamo. In fact, I foresee only one problem. You may be buzzing with so much power that you'll fritter it away on trivial or merely exhibitionist tasks. Instead of being a bull in a china shop, use all that formidable strength of character and determination to achieve greatness. The coming year is very good for you financially and for completing old projects. This may be the year when you find happiness of the heart. An old flame reappears and sees you in a new light. If your ego and pride are not pierced by the arrows of the Lady Archer, a Sagitarius is the perfect foil for your temperment. She is every bit your match, but she will want you to prove you are hers.

See? Not one mention of Adolf Hitler!

Hell, I practically come across as a big pussycat!~

11 Comments:

Blogger Lora said...

I think I hear you purring!

5:23:00 PM  
Anonymous N said...

As one of the witnesses at that unforgettable event (unless there was another...yikes...i can’t imagine going through that twice), I’m happy to corroborate.

I also agree that “fascist whore” is too strong, and also a bit off the mark — suggesting that you derive sexual pleasure from being a fascist. “Tyrant Slut” is much more appropriate. Though I would probably prefer to think of you as “Loveable (Misunderstood) Tyrant Slut”.

Happy Birthday my friend.

n

5:35:00 PM  
Anonymous J said...

I should know better than by now to open your e-mails at work.

The tears are still streaming down my cheeks and I am just getting my breath back. I think your last missive gave me a stitch.

I had to kick the door to my office shut.

Happy Belated Birthday You Magnificent Bastard.

5:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest,
nobody does it half as good as you, Baby, you're the best.
I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me.
I tried to hide from your love light,
but like heaven above me, the spy who loved me,
is keeping all my secrets safe tonight.

And Nobody does it better, sometimes I wish someone could.
Nobody does it quite the way you do. Did you have to be so good?
The way that you hold me, whenever you hold me,
there's some kind of magic inside you,
that keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin',
how'd you learn to do the things you do?

And nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody does it half as good as you.
Baby, baby, darling you're the best!

5:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just write the damn book already Hemingson!

6:36:00 PM  
Blogger Scooter said...

But what if you were born on August 8th, 1959? Happy Birthday!

11:03:00 PM  
Blogger Vince Hemingson said...

From Big Pussy Cat to little kitten...

12:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Eva said...

It's true.
I didn't laugh.
I was too busy being terrified.

"Magnificent Bastard" is a perfect way to describe you.

I disagree with "fascist whore" and "tyrant slut" rings false. It never occured to me that you were a whore or slut - but then I really am that "good Catholic girl" (or at least I was when I met you...)
No, you are definately Magnificent - no man I have ever known has lived his life with as much passion, drive, determination, honor, purpose or blind enthusiasm as you have.

I admire and love you.
Still.

You make the world a much more exciting place by being in it.

Happy Birthday Magnificent Bastard indeed.

E

12:26:00 PM  
Blogger Vince Hemingson said...

Maybe getting older isn't so bad after all..

Now to work on the wiser part...

12:59:00 PM  
Anonymous P said...

Thanks for a great blog. Every time I read it, it makes me feel I
should be making the most out of every day.

I am starting to think more and more I should start my own business and do something on my own. Working for other people is a mugs game

Anyway, enough dreaming.

Look after yourself

1:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wisedom?

Vince, I have learned more about life in a few hours of conversation with you than I ever did in a few years of University and maybe one or two jobs.

You are one of the memorable people I have ever encountered.

Magnificent Bastard indeed.

12:30:00 AM  

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